ST Format Review (Issue 20)
- MiSTer box running the Atari ST core – a 1MB STE running TOS 1.62 – you can replicate this with the Steem emulator.
- Any of Automation 404, Fuzion 39, Pompey Pirates 69
- Speedlink USB Joystick
Time for another football game review. The magazine screenshots make it look pretty cool, with the cartoons of the commentators and the nice little graphic for a yellow card or the ref blowing the whistle or fans cheering a goal. Indeed the ST Format review makes it all sound quite jolly, the players move more realistically than in Kick Off. Do they bollocks.
Before I continue I should probably elaborate on Gazza for those who are unfamiliar. So Gazza is the nickname of Paul Gascoigne, who at that time played for Spurs in the First Division (now known as the Premier League). The thing about Gazza is that he was unusual at the time in being an English footballer who wasn’t a complete clogger. Ok so we had Chris Waddle so it wasn’t all bad, but for the most part there wasn’t much in the way of flair among English players. This didn’t stop Bobby Robson doing an incredible job at Italia 90 with the England team and getting them to the semi-final, only to fall short in a now-traditional penalty shoot-out defeat to West Germany.
Now the important bit here is that Gazza was really really good. I mean proper dribbling past people and making them look silly good. And he got to the semi final knowing that one booking would mean missing the final. Now of course he’s English so he should have known the final wasn’t for us anyway, but he got booked and promptly cried like a baby. This was at a time when the English stiff upper lip still held, when men were men and we hadn’t all become a bunch of emotional incontenents due to the death of Princess Diana (which by the way I regard as the precise moment the British collectively lost their stiff upper lips). As it was, it was unusual, we didn’t have reality TV stars bawling and wailing about nothing, and in being unusual it rather endeared him to the public even if it also got him a little bit of mickey-taking. Spitting Image fitted his puppet with projectile tears and even made a song, but sadly there’s no copy to be found on Youtube. We’d already had Gazza’s Super Soccer, but with his new-found fame it was essential to get a new sequel out to cash in on his fame.
It’s worth taking the time to be clear that this game is not as bad as the dreadful Codemasters Italia 1990 – few things in the world are thankfully. However, it’s still pretty bad. Player movement is weird and jerky, with predictable repercussions on control. The controls themselves are dreadful even without those issues as there’s no easy way to pass to another player (and you won’t see one anyway because you’re too zoomed in and the players positioning is awful). Unfortunately if you don’t pass to another player you will get tackled instantly, though you can use the zig-zagging trick to improve your odds.
There’s a complicated selection of types of shot you can perform based on the joystick direction upon releasing the fire button, and it almost never comes off. As well as the view being far too close up we have the radar at the bottom, obscuring the pitch as it’s not transparent like its Kick Off equivalent, and you can’t get rid of it. The pitch view area is further reduced by a big status bar at the bottom which serves no other purpose than to shrink the rendering area and make the programmer’s lives easier.
The controls outside of the match are terrible with obscure icons leading to god-knows-what, menus that make no sense, even things like picking a damn team to play has you go next team next team next team through a list that isn’t even alphabetical and why couldn’t they show you all the teams and let you move the cursor around to pick one?
Sound is ok I guess, not absolutely terrible, but even if it was the best ever it would struggle to redeem this absolute turd.
So for those who follow these things, Gazza’s life is something of a tragic tale. He was so insanely talented but prone to self-destruction, things like a lunging reckless tackle in the FA Cup putting him out for a season with a nightclub incident extending that. After football he turned heavily to drink and this exacerbated his mental problems, culminating in the famous Raoul Moat incident (I’ll leave you to Google that).
This is not the Gazza of 1990, the unstoppable force who could waltz through defences, dancing through with the ball glued to his feet like an English Pele – that title belongs to Kick Off 2. No, this is the washed up Gazza, the alcoholic Gazza, the Gazza who will surely one day be killed by alcoholism, in game form. It’s a lazy cash grab by those who don’t care, and considering Gazza was brought down by surrounding himself with parasites leeching off his talent one could argue that is quite fitting.
Oh, and if you were thinking of playing it on the Amiga because surely it must be better there, it’s not – the scrolling is still weird and the controls are still terrible. Seriously, how the buggery bollocks do you screw up the scrolling on a god-damn Amiga? That takes extraordinary talent.
Reviews From This Issue Of ST Format
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